Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Running In Circles

There's this weird thing that's happened to me since graduating college. I've gotten sucked into a time warp. Days are actually weeks, and weeks actually months, and then years, and it's all going by abnormally fast. My time references have changed completely. What used to feel long as a semester, now feels brief and fleeting; like a long weekend. Instead of measuring the future in class hours, counting down until the next break, I find myself going through calendars at an alarming rate. 

Surely this isn't right--surely it hasn't actually been almost four years since graduation. It just doesn't seem possible.

And the scary thing is, I'm pretty sure it's going to stay this way. I'm pretty sure life won't start slowing down again any time soon. In fact, if what folks say is really true, it's only going to keep speeding up.

Look, I'm not ready for that. I know, I feel like my last (sparse, infrequent, delinquent, sad) several posts have echoed this sentiment, but like I said, time warp. I feel like the past couple of years I've been going in circles. It hasn't been altogether unpleasant, not really. I haven't been wildly unhappy, or morose, or whatever. But now, looking back, feeling very keenly just how much time has lapsed, I'm getting anxious for the future. What's next? Where am I going? Where do I want to go? And when will I get there?

I've been thinking a lot on this lately. I started gradually stretching myself, mulling over what I might want to do with my life now that I'm Grown Up. It's kind I a scary thing, being Grown Up. I figured, as a kid, that crossing the line from Young to Grown Up would be a concrete thing; not the same for everyone, but one of those things that people say "You know it when it happens." But it's not quite like that. Still, I find myself in that frame of mind more often than not. What can I push myself to next? The ultimate question. What if I push myself the wrong way? What if I screw up? And how am I supposed to know before I try?

It's becoming increasingly important to me to spend time with myself, working on discovering more about me. It's harder than you'd think, considering there's no one I spend more time with. But it's a worthwhile thing, a thing that needs to be done. So I'm doing it. Slowly, sometimes reluctantly, and definitely with a strong curiousity as I look toward the horizon.

I want to say a brief but genuine Thank You to everyone who has and continues to follow my blog. I really can't tell you, whoever you are, all of you reading this, how much it means to me. It may not seem like much, but it's heaps to me. Some of you have been with me for years, and I know you'll have noticed the gradual stagnation here. I want to say thanks thanks thanks for continuing to follow along despite that. (And if you're only still here because you just forgot to unfollow, THANKS ANYWAY).

One of the things I'm doing as I'm trying to go back to the things I love is put more time and energy into my writing again. So if you can--if you would, stick with me some more, and let's see what Next is together.


Spangle said...

I think we all have to come to the conclusion at some point, that you should only do things that really make you happy, regardless of what others think. I'm only just realizing this and I'm in my 30's!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next!

Melody O. said...

Be patient with yourself in figuring out what you're doing and where you're going. It's always going to look and feel like hard work, and that IS stressful. There are no escalators in the house of success. ;) I just hope you'll update more often (and please come visit my little blog too and leave a comment - hahaha! Well, I understand you're busy)